Denial. Realization. Destruction. Agony. Grief.
The two roads have been destroyed. The dust hasn’t quite settled yet. This far my blog has been revelation after revelation of what’s in me, what hinders me. This is something that I am just realizing. I thought that as I wrote each blog and had each epiphany it all meant I was done with those things. In reality, I tried to be done with those things by talking myself out of them. Truth be told, I have gone as far as I can go with self talk.
My last blog was a fine example of my self talk. I could talk myself out of feeling anything bad. The truth is there was only one road. I was on the orphan road. Yes, I was on the orphan road trying to think happy thoughts until I got to heaven. I was still Martha thinking myself into believing I trusted Jesus. I was still the Elder Brother, biting my tongue, longing for love but not wanting to be an inconvenience, unsure of my right to it with Mr. Prodigal Son needing so much attention.
Flickers of truth lit up my mind like a fluorescent bulb about to go out… I am an orphan no longer. But there was a disconnect. Finally one day it was revealed, an undiscovered corner in my soul. It was hidden from me because I had built a great wall to hide what was in there. It was pain. Great agony. Unimaginable loss. Grief of a severest nature.
I always talked myself out of it. Each minute I spent monologuing added a brick to that wall. The wall had to go. Every device of self preservation had to go. It’s gone now and while I’d love to say that everything is super awesome now, and that I am absolutely comfortably confident in my daughterhood it’s not been as easy as all that.
I’m trying to wear royal garments while everything in this royal life triggers that agony and grief. That’s where I am at right now. Walking through old pain.
I’ve trusted the Lord to chastise me, I’ve trusted His judgement to prefer others while I waited my turn, I’ve called bad good trusting that He meant good for me. Now I find myself in the hardest test of my life. Will I trust Him to comfort me? Will I trust His judgement to prefer me, that now is my turn? Will I bring Him the bad and admit that I don’t understand it, that it hurts deeply, and that I need His touch desperately?
“Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4